I'm having absolutely no luck getting a date through traditional channels so this guy I was talking to on Friday told me he's using E-harmony and has all kinds of dates. So I took the huge personality profile and told it to find matches within twenty miles. Sadly, it found no matches. So I dug around in the settings and changed my search to scour the entire state.... No dice. OK well surely there has got to be someone on the planet that matches my personality right?

" At this time, we are not able to identify a match for you.
We require that any match we provide be highly compatible with your values, beliefs and attitudes. This standard means that thousands of eHarmony users are often not matched right away."

Crap. My only solace is in the fact that the service guarantees a match for a small fee of about $100 and they GUARANTEE 3 matches in 3 months. How the hell can they promise that when I haven't found a match when searching the entire planet?

So there is obviously a very shrewd business person pulling the strings behind the scenes. They lead you to believe you that you are a worthless person because even their advanced search technology was unable to find someone compatible. THEN, almost miraculously they guarantee that they can find someone compatible, clearly this would be done by lowering match standards until someone matched. I designed a search engine so I know how easy it would be to do that.

So today I found happiness in the fact that there are probably a ton of compatible women out there, only I'd never date one that fell for the sham that is E-harmony.