7.26.2004

I'm piecing together a worldview based on my belief in the following quote among other things. "I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."

I don't totally agree with that quote though. I believe the world is only an enigma because we try to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth. I think Umberto Eco's quote misinterprets truth. His truth has shades of god in it. Fortunately, or not, I was obsessed with philosophy in college. We learned that God is a logical impossiblility due to the existence of evil. That combined with images of the "finger of god"(tornadoes) destroying churches on the news, led me to believe that god would have to have a pretty twisted sense of humor to justify the state of affairs on God's (increasingly less) green earth.

So I'm looking for the meaning of life without a belief in God or heaven and with the impression that love is a temporary chemical imbalance caused by the release of two hormones called oxytocin and vasopressin. It's a tricky journey, knowing that the ghost in the machine is based largely on a sequence of DNA and the laws of physics. It's like the Wizard of Oz except there's no con artist behind the curtain. It's just a mirror. Maybe those XTC lyrics rung true way too early for me. "Did you make mankind after we made you? "

Maybe that's why I don't call girls back after I get their number at a bar. I'm afraid they'll think I'm nuts if I rattle of the three preceding paragraphs after they ask me if I believe in God. How do you ask someone to marry you when you can't tell them you love them and believe it's something more than just a limited supply of goo sqeezed out of some rusty old gland under your armpit. It'd be easier to tell your kids that you're going to have a well catered reuinion in heaven, the dog will be there and it can eat at the table and even articulate its opinion of the angellic cullinary skills of the old bearded guy in the Kitchen. My friends told me I'd make a good dad. It was the nicest thing I think anybody has ever said to me. I wonder if I'll ever find out if they're right. I'm tired of logic but I think I don't have to give up on love, just tweak my version of it. Maybe its even more meaningful when it's not based on chemicals.

OK, on a slightly less scary note...

I saw an amazing movie this weekend. Even better than the Borne Supremacy. It's an old classic called The Apartment Here's a quote from a review "Truly a dark humor script with hope crinkled around the edges." That's my kind of movie for some reason.

I've decided to give the dog another chance. I managed to fall asleep somehow and got a couple hours of sleep and the grumpiness faded. I even walked him before work.


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